A Confession…

Here’s a fun fact: since Kevin and I moved in together last fall, I’ve gained weight. I knew my pants were getting more snug but it never occurred to me to consider weight gain as the reason. I even remember one morning putting on a pair of jeans and noticing they were tight — fresh out of the dryer tight — even though I hadn’t washed them. **Forehead slap.**

My weight fluctuates, but I’ve always been painfully aware of when I’m putting on weight. This time, I was blindsided (hehe, still talking in Bachelor lingo, sorry). The reasons why started to sink in almost immediately: taking the car instead of walking, sharing a bottle of wine for fun on a Tuesday, buffalo chicken calzones (why not). Another thing? We don’t have a full length mirror, so I haven’t been spending time obsessing over new curves. It was kind of shocking to realize just how much weight I had gained, but it also made sense. What’s different this time is how I feel about the weight. Maybe because it was gained out of happiness, out of pure unawareness, out of living life and enjoying food and maybe having a few too many cocktails and bowls of ice cream, but it hasn’t bothered me in the way it would have in the past. In the way it probably would have tormented me.

Still, the Florida trip is quickly approaching, and squeezing into my bathing suit I decided I wanted to lose the weight. So, for the past two weeks, I’ve been working out and eating less. What a novelty. And it is, for someone who has struggled with emotional eating and body image issues — when weight gain is shrouded with other meaning — with weakness, or sadness, or lonliness. What if I could lose it in the same way that I gained it? With zero self-deprication? What if weight was just weight? It’s been liberating to try to slim down for pragmatic reasons — I don’t think my body needs it, but also, I simply don’t feel as good in my own skin. Simplifying it in such a way, like I’m getting rid of a pair of shoes that I don’t need and never wear, has been really eye opening. I find it odd how few bloggers touch on this topic, so I wanted to shed a little light on my own experience. How are you feeling about your body these days? I know it’s personal, but share if you feel like it. XO

Photo by Ashley Corbin-Teich.

5 thoughts on “A Confession…

  1. <3 <3 <3
    My body is functional and strong, so for me, it really epitomizes the marriage of form and function 🙂 It is really a privilege to be able to use it in so many ways, exactly as I would like, and that's what matters most to me — but, like you, it took me years to get to that mindset, after 14 years of going to an all-girls school and countless years after of feeling like I wasn't doing enough; like my body would be *better* if only I would *work more.* Of course it's a non-linear trajectory so I backtrack sometimes, but I feel content and lucky to be at a point where I can appreciate and honor my body for all it does for me, without feeling this compulsion to evaluate it.
    xoxoxoxo

  2. I think timing plays a part, I try not to judge my body harshly anytime after breakfast because weight fluctuates throughout the day. I am mostly happy with my body, though some abs would be nice. However, I always try to keep in mind that progress is good and working at being stronger is more important than losing weight.

  3. Also, I forgot to mention, I read an article not too long ago regarding eating habits of singles vs couples in relationships. I think it’s so fascinating because some people eat healthier when they are not in a relationship (motivation to look good) and others eat better when they are in one (partner accountability). Thanks for sharing!

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